Meditation, Life Lessons, and Knowing your own Truth: An Introduction.
When you’re asked to write a short piece for an exiting new project such as this one, on a subject so close to your heart, in which you can actually describe your own personal experience and particular knowledge without immediate comment or judgement; you immediately take that opportunity by the reins, right? You think about how this particular new opportunity could quite possibly help a few people. Let them know something they didn’t. Or even just to wonder about something they hadn’t yet wondered about. Maybe even allow themselves a moment to feel content in their own path and provide a sense of trust where there was none before?
Well those were my immediate thoughts.
So I went to write. But that stream of inspired thought had seemingly dissipated. Obviously. So today, after faffing around, avoiding actually putting pen to paper with literally anything at all, I just left the house, making a bee line for an unknown destination. I knew by simply ‘allowing’ whatever it was I should write come to me it would. And so with that I walked. Wherever my destination in that moment I knew I was going receive some sort of inspired curious thinking, because I left the house with pure intent. If the intent was there, then so it shall be. And funnily enough, it led me to this moment. Where it all just fell out of my head. And here and now seems to be a perfect place to begin discussing my personal experience, and that sense of curiosity that drives so many of us. Because that’s where it all begins right? Curiosity? The want to know, understand or experience more? The desire? Once you do a full circle with this stuff (so I’ve heard) you lose. As any yogi will tell you; desire itself is a mind made thing, and therefore is not actually real. But let’s not sound too pretentious before we’ve even begun.
“Once you’ve taken that red pill and can’t seem to stop the momentum of that rabbit hole, the urge to make others understand is truly unbearable”
I suppose to explain a bit about myself is a good place to start. Please believe me when I say I’m not your average yoga loving, soya drinking, half caff, crisis appealing, meditating, self-help fanatic. Yes I do all of those things. And yes I will preach like a self-righteous a-hole. But for good reasons. That list of things have connotations which unfortunately we all have engrained in us. Judgements made, quite rightly, because of meeting one too many preppy, shiny faced, dreadlocked, world travellers with a tone of ‘high horse’ and ‘stick shoved up ass’ kinda conversation. Who subsequently have ruined it for many of us who probably would be interested in becoming a vegetarian or going to help the refugees if maybe that one skinny lass in class hadn’t literally told you to try vegan as it ‘may help you lose that’. And since then, anyone coming under that umbrella has genuinely done your nut in.
See, I get it. I was very against conforming to what might be good for you. Or, to be honest, doing anything that anyone told me to do. But the truth of it is, once you’ve taken that red pill and can’t seem to stop the momentum of that rabbit hole, the urge to make others understand is truly unbearable. You find yourself telling everyone and anyone, their neighbour and her goldfish about your current realisations and sudden huge moments of understanding of the universe. This stops once you realise you sound exactly like that wanky prefect you had previously judged so harshly yourself.
“The words ‘accept’, ‘allow’ and ‘let go’, never felt like huge antique, heavy as, bits of furniture nailed to the floor of your inner-self, but trust me, that’s exactly what they are.”
So as I say, I was once very much a rebel without a cause. Loved a bevvie, partook in some seriously dodgy dealings and to be honest probably witnessed too much too young. I was angry and aggressive with a drink in me and extremely unhappy in general. Not on the surface however. Not that people would notice. I worked in the hospitality trade and became a wonderful actress. Perfecting the act of living a lie. Constantly greeting people with a smile, and being the best server I could. But I was constantly comparing, loathing and writhing inside myself with my own obsessions and general disdain for the way my life was panning out in front of me. I smoked a hell of a lot of weed just to not think about it. Did so on and off since I was 14. In fact if I wasn’t stoned or drunk or doing something with high intensity, stress, or distraction involved I was pretty uncomfortable. Being loud and brash to compensate for my lack of love for the moment. I’m not going to lie here, there are moments in this journey which I’m on where these traits do pop back up to ignite some sort of lesson I haven’t truly learnt yet. This ‘journey’ I’m letting you in on is not complete. Far from it. I’m not beginning to tell you my story in the hope you follow in my footsteps. By all means please don’t. Unless of course you are completely aware that it’s an extremely bumpy, ponderous ride. The words ‘accept’, ‘allow’ and ‘let go’, never felt like huge antique, heavy as, bits of furniture nailed to the floor of your inner-self, but trust me, that’s exactly what they are.
Where I am now is very different from where I began. Internally anyway. I don’t get angry. Much. At all really. I mean, if I saw someone hurt a child or an animal I would respond with a flying kick to their jaw, but the little things, and most of the big, just don’t bother me anymore. Stuff and things are meaningless. As are most of the old relationships I held onto in the hope of one day being accepted. Most of them have served their purpose and I just don’t resonate with their sense of the world around them any longer. I love myself much more than I have ever done before. Something some would say is selfish, but to really love yourself takes courage. You can’t help others truly if you cant first help yourself. I love others unconditionally. Most of the time.
“This complex ‘reality’ we exist in together seems to work.”
I see and understand we are all actually souls on a journey, all just living out lessons, creating things in our lives we would best learn from. I’m grateful. Loving, kinder, sincere. I say no when I mean no and yes when I mean yes. Not always as I have tendencies to people please, but I am working through that. I am happy with my journey in all its entirety, and all that I’m learning. There is truly no point in being anything else. And honestly, even a year ago there was no way I would allow myself to open up my life to be scrutinised and judged by others. Four years ago I couldn’t even allow a conversation about what I was doing, what my plans were or how I felt about it, never mind write about it.
I would love to explain everything I have ever experienced or learnt over the last few years. Especially if I could do it like the alien ‘Paul’ in the film. All the coincidences and all the lessons I have seen become apparent, on repeat, in my life. And how this complex ‘reality’ we exist in together seems to work. But this is your experience too. Do what you want, but trust me when I say I wouldn’t turn my back on this kind of knowledge. In any lifetime. It’s golden.
No doubt I’ll waver off the path at some point. Life has its hurdles and obstacles that distract the mind. But we can either learn from them or learn from them. Because ultimately we will learn from them eventually. In this lifetime or the next. So if you do see me at a party, please don’t judge. Just pass me a drink and we can discuss what we can co-create next.